Vorrei essere come il mio polso

Essenziale. Longilineo.

Fermo e deciso quando deve afferrare qualcosa che sta scivolando, che sta cadendo. E’ il punto del mio corpo che amo di più, perchè lo sento mio come niente di tutto il resto. Perchè lo sento semplice e complesso, formato da ossa, carne, sangue e colore. Creato per essere essenziale, più del resto, più di quello che ho odiato profondamente davanti allo specchio per anni. Più di quello che non mi ha fatto dormire, dandomi il tormento al tatto, ogni giorno, ogni momento. Amare il proprio corpo è un processo complesso, non naturale come si può pensare. Amarsi, volersi bene, accettare la propria altezza, la propria capacità di resistere a situazioni, momenti e complicazioni è uno stato che si raggiunge con il tempo, la costanza e molta forza. Perchè siamo esseri critici, cattivi con noi stessi. Sappiamo farci del male più di quello che gli altri riusciranno mai a farci, psicologiamente intendo. Anche se a volte questo meccanismo insano cade anche nella sfera fisica. Mangiamo troppo e vomitiamo. Mangiamo nulla e ci uccidiamo lentamente, troppo presi fra bilance e sensazioni, fra pieghe del maglione e segni del jeans. Ci odiamo per il nostro colore di pelle e capelli, per il seno che non cresce o per il sedere che aumenta. Ci giudichiamo con occhio clinico, come se ci mettessimo ogni giorno sotto un faro accecante che vuole solo mettere in evidenza le nostre forme imperfette.

Odio ed amore. Respiro affannoso di chi ha pianto troppo per un involucro di carne che abbraccia il pensiero ed il cuore, sempre sofferente. Poi un giorno ne esci, non di certo per un miracolo, ma per un percorso ad ostacoli che hai affrontato nella quotidianità. Ti ritrovi con un corpo che non ti genera più sensazioni negative, ma con il quale inizi a convivere in serenità, in equilibrio. Arriva l’amore: tuo per te.E la ruota inizia a girare, attorno a un punto fermo, che per me è sempre stato il polso.
Simbolo di fragilità e forza, anche quando il gesso lo ha ricoperto per 45 giorni. Anche quando l’orologio ha iniziato a stare sulla destra invece che sulla sinistra. Anche quando mi hanno afferrato per quel polso per farmi del male. Anche quando lo fasciavo per il tennis, anche quando l’ho lasciato nudo, alla mercè del mondo. Anche ora, che vorrei imprimerlo per sempre in un inchiostro nero, con due linee nette che significano tanto, magari solo per me. Ma che importa? Che resta di tutto quello che ha sempre simboleggiato se lo lascio così, nudo come è nato. Come è venuto al mondo?
Regge la mia mano, quella mano che ha preso coccinelle nei prati, sabbia al mare, aria nel vento, mani nell’amore.

Ho impugnato la vita. A voi il resto

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