Torpore

Mi sembra di essere in uscita dalla sensazione di torpore. Questi pochi giorni a casa, a staccare la spina, lasciare che il cervello fluisse senza mettergli barriere entro cui chiudersi. Mi sembra di essere stata via, lontano. Di aver percorso chilometri in aria, come se mi fossi spostata.

Ed invece sono rimasta quasi immobile. Ferma nei miei spazi, con pochissime deviazioni, un giro sotto il cielo in pieno relax, solo per la voglia di percorrere qualche metro. Nessun obbligo, nessun orario. L’ora legale che mi ha rubato un po’ di sonno e io che ho rubato un po’ di vita al giorno. Equilibrio perso e ritrovato, su un divano, fra le parole che hanno varcato la soglia con coraggio e quelle che si sono perse in una notte silenziosa in cui nessuno ascoltava.

Ho riattivato il mio corpo, che era come sopito sotto strati di “non posso” e “non ho tempo”. Gli ho regalato una piccola porzione di un lunedì sottratto legalmente al lavoro ed ai doveri che questo giorno della settimana comporta. E mi è piaciuto. Immensamente, non solo per la sensazione che mi ha lasciato addosso, dopo la doccia ed il phon, dopo l’acqua liscia bevuta a sorsate ed il sorriso che celava l’orgoglio al di la del vetro. Sono stata bene come non mi succedeva da tanto. Come se ogni muscolo mi volesse dire qualcosa, che se io metto un pochino di impegno lui ci mette la restante parte e arriviamo al cerchio completo. Come se la mia mente avesse beneficiato anche lei di un movimento puramente meccanico, che mi ha fatto tornare in mente quel torpore in cui ti culli quando l’acqua bollente ti scivola addosso. Muoversi, respirare, sudare, faticare. Oggi che c’è il sole fuori dalla mia finestra vedo tutto più nitidamente. Come se si fosse aperto un nuovo spiraglio. Come se avessi più voglia di ripetere i gesti di questo weekend lungo piuttosto che compierne di nuovi. Come se una piccola scintilla si fosse accesa, nella mia testa.

E’ stato un ponte di accettazione, mia. Mi sono accettata per quello che consapevolmente sono. Senza preconcetti, istituzioni, doveri. Lasciando la mia anima libera di fluire senza costrizioni. Ho accettato la mia parte esterna come quella interna, scatenando in me paure forse infondate. Ho goduto delle mie gambe che non hanno ceduto, che hanno collaborato. Ho sorriso insieme al mio viso, stanco e segnato dal non dormire ancora a sufficienza ma allo stesso tempo sereno e luminoso grazie alla gratifica personale che mi sono regalata. Ho pianto di una paura enorme: quella di non essere abbastanza, in senso lato. Di non essere abbastanza bella, attraente, intelligente, dolce. Di non essere abbastanza attenta e concentrata. Di non essere abbastanza sicura e dotata. Come se, per un momento, avessi visto tutti i miei sforzi, il mio impegno ed i miei progressi sparire in un angolo buio, dove non potevo più vederli. Ho provato tenerezza per me stessa, per quella sensazione di vulnerabilità che mi ha percorso la schiena quando volevo dire ma non ho detto, per paura di quello che avrei potuto ascoltare. Per paura del silenzio esaustivo che avrebbe potuto nascere. Per il pentimento che ne sarebbe nato.

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