Le donne ed il mondo dei SE

Sabato ero a pranzo con Giulia. Abbiamo parlato come al solito a raffica, come due fiumi perchè il tempo sembra sempre poco e le cose da dirsi sempre troppe ed a noi il telefono non piace. Poi si finisce a parlare di rapporti, di uomini, di scelte. Di quelle dolorose che ci hanno segnato e dei sogni che si stanno avverando. Si è parlato del movimento lento delle nostre vite che dopo anni prende forma, o forse no. Mentre lei cambia idee e si muove, io mi vedo sempre ferma. Come se il mondo intorno a me girasse ed io fossi una specie di perno immobile.

I desideri si accumulano, i pensieri diventano sempre di più, ma tante scelte non dipendono solo da noi stessi e così restiamo fermi in attesa che il meccanismo si decida a muoversi. Abbiamo parlato tanto e lei, con i suoi modi sempre adeguati, riesce a far riaffiorare dei pensieri che cerco, invano, di tenere sopiti. Perchè ci sono tante cose che vorrei cambiare, priorità che vorrei scegliere, rinunce che vorrei percorrere, ma la volontà a volte non è sufficiente e mi sento come fagocitata da un sistema che mi ignora.

Troppo presto o troppo tardi e cadiamo nel mondo dei SE.

E se facessi.. e se dicessi.. ma forse se.. e se invece..
milioni di possibili bivi e poi ti scontri con il resto del mondo che pone la razionalità come primo tassello di qualunque scelta. Che attende di trovarsi nella situazione prima di ipotizzarla. Che vive la giornata come se il resto non lo vedesse.
Parlane con me che vivo nel mondo dei se e ti capisco. E’ stata la frase che ha aperto la testa, e mi sono resa conto che siamo uguali, così diverse eppure uguali. Che siamo donne e siamo state costruite proprio così, con il dubbio sempre appresso. Con le insicurezze, con i bivi. Con la sensazione di fare un passo e trovare il vuoto sotto il piede. Con quella leggerezza che ci manca davvero, che andiamo ritrovando ma che non riusciamo a fare nostra

Viviamo nel mondo dei se con l’unico desiderio di uscirne, di essere prese per mano e portate nel mondo delle certezze, del bianco o nero, della concretezza, del pensiero che si ferma alle ore successive senza perdersi nell’etere alla ricerca del domani impalpabile. Abbiamo bisogno di certezze, di sentirci dire la stessa cosa mille volte, di essere baciate, abbracciate e rincuorate non perchè siamo fragili ma per la natura stessa della nostra vita, che ci mette su un filo sottile, quasi invisibile e pretende che noi ci camminiamo sopra fingendo di non aver paura di cadere. Abbiamo bisogno delle persone che ci guardano negli occhi, che ci rassicurano. Abbiamo bisogno di un anello al dito per capire che l’impegno è vero, per davvero. Abbiamo bisogno delle amicizie, delle notti insonni e delle parole che spesso lasciano spazio a quell’insostenibile silenzio che ci atterra. Abbiamo bisogno di creare tasselli, raggiungere traguardi, guardarci indietro e sorridere di quello che abbiamo percorso. Abbiamo bisogno di quello che non abbiamo, per definizione.

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