Genitori. diventarlo

La premessa è d’obbligo.
Un po’ perchè è lunedì e le parole di lunedì pesano di più, sono più rindondanti, sono più pesanti da scrivere come da digerire. Un po’ perchè di certi argomenti non si finisce mai di parlare. Non ci si pensa mai abbastanza, fino a che non lo si diventa. Genitori.
La premessa continua con una confessione. Non aspetto nessun figlio. Queste parole usciranno così, senza filtro, su uno degli argomenti più difficili da affrontare. Perchè, si sa, per fare un figlio bisogna essere in due, volerlo in due, desiderarlo in due. Ed essere d’accordo in due è una questione molto difficile.

I bambini non mi sono mai piaciuti.
Li ho ignorati per buona parte della mia vita, fino a che mi sono accorta della loro esistenza, magari più per fastidio che altro, perchè rompevano il silenzio, sporcavano o correvano in ogni dove toccandoti dentro la borsa firmata appesa alla sedia al ristorante. Da quel momento sono diventati “i nani”, quelli piccoli, che ti ritrovi sempre davanti che ciondolano mentre tu stai correndo per prendere il tram. Che quando hai un mal di testa fulminante ti urlano con gli ultrasuoni a 10 centimetri dall’orecchio. Che in panetteria se gli cade qualcosa di unto (focaccia) sta sicuro che te la buttano addosso, sporcandoti vestito e scarpe.

Poi un giorno, in un tempo non sospetto, ho iniziato a vederli sotto un’altra luce. Ad incuriosirmene.
Una mattina mi sono svegliata nel sole della Toscana, con l’idea che avrei voluto essere mamma. Che avrei voluto provare la sensazione di una vita che cresce dentro di me, di un nome da scegliere, di un equilibrio a due tutto da inventare nuovamente, di un amore che diventa concreto, tangibile, reale. Che diventa persona, mani e cuore. Che si trasforma in qualcosa di così profondo da uscire fuori dal nostro corpo. Di un paio di occhi che somigliano un po’ a te e un po’ a me. Pensieri alla rinfusa, emozioni sotto pelle, desideri che sono rimasti dentro di me, come se avessero preso un posto li, fra cervello e cuore, fra sangue e polmoni, fra aria e pelle, fra testa e pancia.

Un pensiero che non mi ha abbandonato anche se la vita mi ha messo di fronte a scelte diverse, a momenti sbagliati, a sincronie mai arrivate, a cambiamenti necessari per lasciarsi dietro la nebbia e rivedere il sereno, per inforcare un paio di occhiali colorati e godersi il sole.

E sì, vorrei.
Lo vorrei ancora.

Oggi o domani, fino a che il corpo mi assiste, fino a che la mente lo pensa, fino a che l’aria fresca del mare di inverno mi emoziona. Fino ad un noi che diventa concreto, tangibile e reale. Fino ad un paio di occhi che somigliano un po’ a te e un po’ a me

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