Ansia

In generale non sono una persona ansiosa. Una di quelle che deve avere tutto perfetto e preciso e che se il piano salta va nel panico. Sono una che programma, oh quello sì, sopratutto da quando ho due vite, un lavoro, un gatto, una casa ed una persona nella mia vita.
Perchè amo programmare? Perchè incastrare tutto è più semplice se lo fai con qualche giorno di anticipo, ma non è un problema se alle 20.30 devi ancora passare dal super e pensare alla cena.

Ma la domanda è: quando si passa il limite fra la serenità e l’ansia?
Ci riflettevo ieri. Mossa dalla sensazione di dover fare qualcosa. Cosa non lo so ancora, ma qualcosa. Quale è la parola – pronunciata dall’altro – che ci fa scavallare la linea? Sì, quella invisibile che ci mette nello stato di ansia? Quale è quella successione di sillabe che ha il potere di incrinare, allontanare e rendere di pessimo umore?
Sarebbe senza dubbio comodo saperlo, per evitarla.

Ed invece no, la formula magica è ancora un mistero ed a noi non resta che andare per tentativi. Restringendo le categorie.

Se sei un uomo e hai a che fare con una donna. Evita discorsi sulle ex, su quanto eri felice con quella, su quanto è magra quell’altra, su quanto ti divertivi a fare quella cosa. Il passato dovrebbe essere passato, il concetto non sembra difficile. Ancora peggio se il paragone fra donne lo fai fra quella attuale e tutto il resto del mondo femminile che ancora non ti appartiene, e che molto probabilmente mai ti apparterrà. Noi donne soffriamo immensamente il confronto con le altre donne, perchè viviamo nella convinzione di non essere mai abbastanza belle, abbastanza attraenti, abbastanza femminili, abbastanza brave ragazze, abbastanza provocatrici, abbastanza intelligenti, abbastanza ironiche, abbastanza sportive, abbastanza donne di casa, abbastanza donne emancipate. Sì perchè noi vogliamo essere tutto, tutto insieme come se l’uomo si aspettasse sempre questo da noi: che siamo pantere in camera da letto ma al contempo perfette bon ton da presentare alla mamma, che siamo intelligenti ma allo stesso tempo non troppo perchè sono loro quelli che devono esserlo di più. Che sappiamo cavarcela se si rompe qualcosa in casa ma che abbiamo bisogno che loro ci soccorrano nel momento del bisogno. Che siamo frivole, ma non stupide. Che siamo eleganti anche in pigiama. Che siamo belle anche senza trucco. Una vita di aspettative che ci getta nell’equilibrio precario in cui viviamo, ed è inutile raccontare che noi ci sentiamo donne perfette, perchè non è vero. Ciascuna di noi conosce bene pregi e difetti personali e non può fare altro che conviverci, sperando che lui non inizi con i paragoni, le battute sceme e le parole buttate lì.

Se sei una donna e hai a che fare con un uomo. Qui la situazione è semplice, quasi banale, almeno nel concetto perchè poi nella pratica per noi è un’impresa quasi impossibile. Basta evitare tutti gli argomenti collegati con il prendersi un impegno. Sì, lo so che la categoria è ampia, ma bisogna evitarla. Tutta. In un solo botto. Niente discorsi su bambini, matrimoni, convivenze, pianificazione, acquisto in comune di mobili o semplici soprammobili. Gli uomini scappano, hanno paura, non hanno voglia, odiano questi discorsi, non si sentono a loro agio, pensano che sei un’avventura, sognano donne da copertine. E qui scatta la domanda consequenziale: ma se non vogliono prendersi un impegno perchè scelgono di stare con una donna, o meglio con noi? Eh, questa è una bella domanda. Riempi-tempo? Riempi-letto? Sicurezza (in entrata non in uscita ovviamente)? Situazione di comodo? No, beh certo, poi c’è anche l’amore, la devozione, la passione e l’attrazione, in ordine sparso. Purtroppo però la motivazione nel vostro singolo caso io non la possiede. Sono arrivata a trenta anni con poche certezze. Ho visto ragazze facili sposarsi e brave ragazze essere mollate dopo anni, proprio per le ragazze facili di cui sopra. Ho visto storie d’ amore coronarsi in maniera splendida ed amici diventare genitori favolosi. C’è chi ha messo su casa in pochi mesi per decisioni prese sull’onda dell’emozione. Ho visto lacrime e porte sbattute. Ho visto strade dividersi in maniera inevitabile lasciando dietro liste nozze già programmate ed abiti acquistati. L’amore è una giostra, sali sei felice, scendi e ti disperi. Credere nell’amore, quello non ho smesso di farlo. Non ho mai smesso di credere che nella vita c’è quella persona che ti fa sentire vivo, felice, che ti fa venire voglia di cambiare la tua vita, crearne una nuova insieme, che ti sprona ad uscire dal guscio, riappropriarti della luce, impegnarti nelle cose che devi fare. Limare i tuoi spigoli, imparare a dosare parole e silenzio. Abbracciare nel buio, cambiare abitudini. Credere nei rapporti, nello scambio di idee, nella condivisione, nella passione. Nel guardarsi e capirsi, ridere di nulla, imparare ad incastrarsi. Amarsi.

Amarsi.

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