and fly upward

Oggi a pranzo mangiavo sushi. Da sola.

E già la questione risulta abbastanza triste, si perché io odio mangiare fuori da sola, mi fa sentire fuori luogo, a disagio. In più mangio il più rapidamente possibile per sopperire alla mancanza di qualcuno con cui scambiare due parole. Poi sono solo io che ho l’impressione che la gente, se sei seduto al tavolo da solo, ti guarda? No meglio: ti fissa proprio, tipo animale allo zoo e poi scuote la testa e pensa di te che sei una poverina abbandonata a se stessa? A me sembra così infatti, se posso, mi siedo sempre in angoli strategici e cerco di essere io la fissatrice.

Ma al giapponese non puoi perché appena entri ti accolgono con sorriso e menù in mano e hanno già deciso dove posizionarti, nella loro organizzazione insita nel DNA hanno già scelto per te e non hanno previsto modifiche. E così mi sono ritrovata ad un tavolino al centro con il mio piatto di sashimi davanti. Io e lui e la testa che piano piano si riempe di mille pensieri come quando stai gonfiando un palloncino e ci butti dentro tutta l’aria che hai nei polmoni e questo piano piano prende forma e si gonfia. Ecco, la mia testa appena mi fermo fa uguale, si riempe di pensieri. E fra le mille cose da fare, gli elenchi da smarcare e le mail che scorrono nella mia mente come se avessi il mouse in mano al posto delle bacchette decorate, ecco che spunta una di quelle riflessioni che farebbe rabbrividire anche il più esperto psicologo. Mi viene in mente mia nonna e la sua faccia incredula a vedermi mangiare pesce crudo, a Milano, da sola, attorniata dalla mia tecnologia ultrapiatta ed incredibilmente tutta bianca.

Ecco, quando meno me l’aspettavo mi si chiude lo stomaco e resto li, a metà. Con le bacchette che ruotano nell’aria disegnando forme astratte e la mia mente che si ferma, come un’auto che inchioda davanti ad un ostacolo. Ma cosa penserebbe di me se mi vedesse adesso? Se mi guardasse oggi? Sento il vuoto intorno a me, è come se fossero spariti tutti per un nascondino al quale non sono stata invitata. Mi si è fermato il tempo, lo spazio. Mi sale da lungo la schiena un brivido, ma non di quelli freddi, più come una fitta che arriva ai polmoni e gli toglie l’aria. E se vedendomi non le piacesse quello che ha davanti? Se non fosse d’accordo con le mie scelte? Se non le condividesse?

L’ipotesi della delusione mi uccide. Lascio li tutto, pago ed esco. Faccio due passi fuori ma non c’è aria, fa solo immensamente caldo, le vetrine sono vuote e le persone in giro sono distratte. Mi sono incamminata a caso senza pensarci, sono uscita e ho camminato da sola, verso l’ufficio, seguendo un filo di Arianna che scatta nella mia mente in automatico. Mi fermo davanti al teatro e so perchè sto male: è il senso di incompiuto che mi schiaccia, il fatto che sia volata via prima che riuscissi a sapere cosa avrebbe voluto per me. Come se non avessimo avuto abbastanza tempo per dirci tutto, per parlarci davvero, al di là dell’educazione e dei rimproveri. Purtroppo tutto questo lo capisci solo da adulto e te lo porti dentro per sempre.

Laura

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